Heinz Tomato Ketchup - 10/10

So what can I really say about Heinz Tomato Ketchup that hasn't already been said? Honestly anything because I don't think I've ever even heard of a review of Heinz ketchup. That being said, I just googled it and there are plenty so i guess every day's a school day. I'll start by saying that I've been eating Heinz ketchup my entire life so I feel I'm definitely qualified to review it - as is everyone in the world. Heinz is to ketchup, what Coke is to cola - when you think of one word, you think of the other - this kind of brand association is actually very rare, but each condiment is associated with a certain brand; Heinz has ketchup, Hellmans has mayo, Frenches has Mustard (it's as though they all sat down one day and decided that they'll all corner a different part of the market). Although I'm sure I will talk about the latter two one day, today is completely free for good old 'red sauce'.

Heinz tomato ketchup only consists of 6 elements: spirit vinegar, sugar, salt, spice and herb extracts, spice, and of course, Tomatoes (reference - the back of a ketchup bottle I'm looking at right now). Now i don't claim to be a scientist and know how these magicians turn simple ingredients into what i can only describe as the condiment king, but i do know that it has become a staple for most households. Now I know calling it the condiment king will trigger some people and I will lose a large portion of my following based on my opinions on this matter, but I refer to it as such because it is so damn versatile. The all purpose nature of of Heinz ketchup makes it somewhat of an 'old faithful', If someone prefers mayo, or even hot sauce, that's fair enough, but you have to concede that ketchup has alway and will always be there. Whether it be on a burger, to dip a chip into, or even to scoop up with a nug, Heinz ketchup will always be there.

Heinz specifically has cornered the market because of it's superior taste and consistency. Let me set a scene - you're at a public function, whether it be the football, a boot sale, or even just a trip to the beach, it's odds on that there's a burger van there waiting for your juicy custom. You approach this burger van and order a quarter pounder with cheese and after about 4 minutes you're handed the delightful meat treat and told 'sauces are on the table'. As you turn, you see something - something that doesn't make you wince, or recoil in horror, but something that makes you let out a tiny, inaudible sigh - they only have the big generic bottles of sauces. This news doesn't ruin your day, but you know, that instead of the delectable, familiar taste of Heinz, you're going to get a slightly over-vinegary, way-too-liquidy imitation that will indeed do the job, but this burger that you've just payed too much money for will never be what it had the potential to be. Or you might be like me and just choose the burger sauce because it's also quite nice.

Now i know there are people out there who will say "who cares? they all just taste the same anyway", and to those people I say heathen. How dare you. You're the kind of person who says Coke tastes like Pepsi, or the Aldi generic Quavers taste the same as the real thing, but they don't. Sure, Pepsi and Aldi products have their merits and you can prefer them over the other alternatives but you cannot sit there and tell me that they taste the same. That argument is only okay in one situation and that's when you're lying to your kids because you didn't want to buy the more expensive named products but outside of this, you're a liar. That or your taste buds are so vague and unsophisticated that you can't taste the difference between coco pops and 'Choco Rice'.

Anyway, I digress. We're here to talk about Heinz ketchup and that's what I'm going to do. from potato smilies to a thick rump steak, Heinz ketchup will never let you down in delivering that cool tangy yet sweet taste that goes with nearly everything. Whether you smother your chips or have it in a little bowl on the side, the familiar taste that dates all the way back to 1869 will always be there. From making things that don't taste that great slightly more edible, to masking the heat of scolding hot food enough to get it down, the refreshing taste of good old 'red sauce' will live on forever as long as it's squirted out of a Heinz bottle (especially if it's accompanied by a funny little fart noise).

10/10